i think i will start blogging somewhere else..

where i can decide my privacy

i have had a lovehate relationship with blogger..

but alas...

goodbye blogger

find me if u can

:)

Just as I get over one matter another creeps up from nowhere and slaps me in the face.. as I was making my way back to how things were life decided to do a 180 on me..

Over the past month I realised that I have been sad and depressed one moment and then bounce back to seemingly happy the next moment so much that my body is used to it.. my eyes are never swollen from crying anymore.. I can work for a full day + more on just 2.5hours… and the worse part is that I can go for a whole day on just a sip of water and barely half a bowl of noodles… and yet no one knows what I’m going thru....

Stress is the worse thing that can happen to me.. it causes me to dip into depression.. and when that happens all the essential things in life become non-essential anymore.. eating is meaningless as my body automatically gets rid of it in less than 2hours of eating it.. sleep is never a choice.. it’s either I cant fall asleep or there’ll be nightmares all nite long.. driving is dangerous because half the time I wont be concentrating.. work sucks.. cz I’m not doing much and that gives me more time to be depressed..

When will my life sort itself back to normal?

i'm eye-ing these items from f21.. *hint hint*

RM99 i think

RM149? or was it RM169?

wanna get them but can't bring myself to splurge on them.. maybe i'll get them on sale next time..

gotta save for future travels now..

=D

Plucked from Lea's twitter:

A little kid on radio said, if the guy you like is not paying attention to you, go up to him and say, "Spend some time with me, boy!"

i will stay calm tonight..

regardless of what i may encounter i will stay calm...

please let there be nothing to make me break down again...

:(

If u start at 16... Even if u hav excellent musicality.. U cn neva be professional... coz no muscle build up...

i know that i am never going to be professional.. or nearly as good as you.. but you need not tell me that.. i already know that fact.. that's why i try harder than you.. that's why i can't get stuff down as fast as you do..

what else can i do? turn back time and force myself to pick up the violin sooner?

recieved this at 6.28pm

"O.o.. Dunno... Me wan rest abit k? Muahx..."

called back at 6.29pm

"hello.. the number you called is unavailable.. please try again later..."

current state of mind: confused, sad, lost

what happened to my blogger?

ब्लॉगर हस गोने क्रेजी ओं में॥
हाउ ला॥
एवेर्य्थिंग कोमेस आउट लिखे थिस इन्स्टाद॥
बू..

I love you more today than I loved you yesterday

I do feel this way.. despite all the quarelling and crying I still feel this way.. but do you?

Small things that you do, or don't do hurts me so much.. but when I tell you it seems like i'm in the wrong for saying it.. I don't know.. maybe it's only me that is being overly sensitive and whatever that has been going on is totally acceptable by everyone else on this planet..

parent's have been saying that I am too thin and want me to go see a doctor about it.. it's not like I have an eating disorder.. I really don't.. I still eat healthy portions plus more! Haiz..

honestly I don't know how I got this way..
life please go back to the way things were..
:(

The boyfriend every girl wants...

When you break her heart - [ the pain NEVER really goes away ]
When she misses you - [ she's hurting inside ]
When she says its over - [ she STILL wants you to be hers ]
When she re-posts this bulletin - [ she wants you to read it ]
When she walks away from you mad - [ Follow her]
When she stare's at your mouth - [ Kiss her ]
When she pushes you or hit's you - [ Grab her and don’t let go ]
When she starts cursing at you - [ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]
When she ignores you - [ Give her your attention]
When she pulls away - [ Pull her back ]
When you see her at her worst - [ Tell her she's beautiful ]
When you see her start crying - [Just hold her and don’t say a word ]
When you see her walking - [ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ]
When she's scared - [ Protect her ]
When she lays her head on your shoulder - [ Tilt her head up and kiss her ]
When she steals your favorite hat - [ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]
When she teases you - [ Tease her back and make her laugh ]
When she doesn’t answer for a long time - [ reassure her that everything is okay ]
When she looks at you with doubt - [ Back yourself up with the TRUTH]
When she says that she likes you - [ she really does more than you could understand ]
When she grabs at your hands - [ Hold hers and play with her fingers ]
When she bumps into you - [ bump into her back and make her laugh ]
When she tells you a secret - [ keep it safe and untold ]
When she looks at you in your eyes - [ don’t look away until she does ]


- Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything
- DON'T let her have the last word
- DON'T call her hot, but gorgeous or beautiful is soo much better
- Say you love her more than she could ever love you
- Argue that she is the best girl ever
- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
- When she says she's OK don’t believe it, talk with her
- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you
- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
- Call her before you sleep and after you wake up
- Treat her like she's all that matters to you
- Tease her and let her tease you back
- Stay up all night with her when she's sick
- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid
- Give her the world
- Let her wear your clothes
- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her
- Let her know she's important
- Kiss her in the pouring rain
- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;
"Who's ass am I kicking today baby?"

but not a boyfriend that everyone can have...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

all those things are so sweet but yet any guy that can do all that is pretty much extinct.. or maybe never existed?

when you cry, no guy will hold you tight and tell you it's ok.. guys nowadays would instead tell you that you're thinking too much and its not true at all..

when you don't answer for a long time, he leaves you to think whatever you want, without explanation at all.. and then blames you for whatever your mind conjured up during that 'long time'.

haiz..

life cannot be perfect but it hurts so bad that you wish you could just walk away from life as is...

if you looked into my mind...

all you'd see is a cloud of darkness..

a vicious storm that destroys things in it's way...

when you have nothing to do in the office you read The Star Online...

and randomly clicking i happen to stuble upon an article ablout stress...

Dont Stress It

its all kinda true..

i only know cz i have been overly stressed the past week and my body ain't coping well...

=/

if i had to choose between sleep and you, i'd pick you...

i missed you so much.. after not spending quality time with you and finally not arguing/smoothing things out over the phone, sleep is not a matter to worry about... but the fact that we still have unresolved issues kills me.. i rather sleep 2hours less and sort out the things with you once and for all so that we can get it out of the way.. haiz...

*depressed*

Random-ness at KLPac

orchestra was nowhere near better than it was before thanks to the i-conducted-15-concerts-before conductor.. please please be more certain of your beat and beat the correct way.. i can;t exactly re-enter when i get lost looking at your hands... the new gal was not much better also.. writing the most awkward bowing on the scores causing my hand-eye coordination to be even worse than normal.. adik ooi... you are playing in an orchestra.. you cant just simply write your own bowing and play 70% of the down beast with up-bow... you are not the soloist now.... meh...

kids who think they are all that....

luckily there were other things that made up for the loveliness of the rehearsal...

the first thing was that i met an interesting individual before orchestra practice... since i left relatively early and didnt have to send mom back home i reached KLPac super early... and while i was waiting at the lounge he just came up and talked to me... no.. i wasnt the most attractive person there... we were the only 2 people there who turned up 1-1.5hours before practice.. :P.. after bout 2 seconds he told me that he was a tenor in the Messiah concert and that the choir sucked! so so honest.. *salute!* though the orchestra is not really prepared at all i'm not all that mean to say that we are terrible... must jaga muka abit maa... he (i couldn't and still can't remember his name.. i am seriously bad with names...) is 100% random.. all the things he said came out of nowhere! from the fact that he was 'grape-ing' (mengANGGUR) between jobs to the most efficient way to wake a guy up-by pulling off his pants.. wth.. how to do that?? si beh pai se want you know.... probably bout 20minutes of talking/waiting people from the choir and orchestra started to come... and finally someone came to open the studio doors for us... he went in before me cz i was talking to one of th eother players.. and when i turned in to the studio he was there holding the door for me! so sweet and so unexpected... but after i walked in he said 'wahh.. how long does it take you to walk in the door a?'... *smash*

other than that was the fun players in the second violin and viola section.. though we weren't all that good compared to the first violin we always had fun.. from worrying - in a haha kinda way - bout not being able to play the notes to laughing at ourselves bout the notes we cant play.. its funny.. cz we never had that in our section before.. the second violins were always stressed out for the haywire bowing and the awkward fingering.. but this time it was different.. and then there was also the many times where we give the know-it-all conductor the evil eye for not giving us muddy conducting and instructions.. it just seems like with certain people not here the tension isn't there.. =/.. wonder how long this can keep up??

but despite it all the feelings and issues from the nite before was still with me.. haiz.. how how how? my mind still not over it.. how to get over issues like this?? its all so familiar.. can the outcome be different? or will it be the same?

only slept a mere 3.5 hours last nite.. woke up even before the alarm rang.. a miracle.......
though i am not feeling it yet i wonder how i'm going to survive today?
i wish i could just tell my boss i need a day off.. just to have a day to myself to be alone and sort things out... haiz...

at the moment my life is as volatile as the stock market.. it's steadily climbing up when i am slowly sliding down...
can't wait for january to come to be immersed in studies... need distractions to pull me away from where i am now...

analyze the photos below and let me know what you see...

her hand is obviously on his elbow.. at first it's a full on denial but later it's 'ya... her hand is on my elbow... but its only for the photo shoot'... is that reason acceptable at all?? just because it is a photo shoot it's ok for you to let a girl cling on to you? if other people don;t do it why must you? and right after our argument about this kinda thing... haiz... if the shoe is on the other foot, will you say the same things??

am i over thinking things?

who would have thought after 2 days of bumming i'd wake up with a massive migraine?

imagine waking up at 6.30am for once but can;t get out of bed because your head feels like it's being hit by a metal bar each time you attempt to move...

haiz.. maybe i'm not cut out for the super relaxed life..

or maybe the stress from days before all got suppressed and decided to blow up on me?

meh.. despite my head pounding away i still went to work..

wahhhh.. since when she so good a??

but if i don't go to work i can't do much... only more sleeping and tv.. +i'd be alone at home.. so going to work was the better choice.. considering that i'l be with my mom and there's nothing much to do at work nowadays..

as expected it was totally quiet at the office.. not many phone calls from clients despite the KLCI moving 6 points...

pssstt... according to some analyst the KLCI can move about 100+ points more... O.o

the only thing was the assistant acting like a total ass and running out of the office doing non essential stuff a million times... but the worse part was that my phone was almost totally quiet.. so much for i'l try my best..

Husbands, do you remember the last time you hugged your wife and told them you loved them?

And how is it that you can't remember that but you can go around hugging other people's wives

That's what the priest said during mass today.. It's so coincidental considering that a similar thought is swimming around in my head.. Everything that took place during mass today seemed so...wierd.. Its like everything that happened, be it the choice of hymns or the homily, all seemed to be answers to what's been in my mind.. I really wanted to cry but I couldn't.. Imagine how hard it was for me to hold back my tears and smile at my parents all through mass...

I want things to go back to how it was.. But is it even possible?

6 nov 2009

birthdays are never my favourite.. especially if it's my birthday..

since as long as i can remember, i never had a happy birthday.. it's either a major exam is on my birthday or my parents/family is to busy.. so i pretty much gotten used to not celebrating.. last year was slightly different.. it was more cheery than the usual; but come to think of it, i wasn't all that happy.. i was crying my heart out just days before my birthday and the whole time that we were out we were busy avoiding people than spending time together..

this year is definitely nowhere better.. imagine fighting with your boyfriend on your birthday.. fun rite? and no one but us knows about it.. my bro actually thought that i was having fun that night when i got home...

the worse part is that my friends that were there for me aren't there anymore.. the only people that spent time with me and seen me cry aren't within reach anymore... haiz... i gotta re-build those bridges.. i miss them so much.. :(

quick quick update!

----------------------------------------

the not so emo things i've done over the past month:

eat yummy food for lunch!

now with 2 hours for lunch i don't have to worry bout eating and getting back to work in 30minutes anymore! happy happy~

i tell you the people i go eat with really know how to enjoy.. they can bring you to the fanciest places for buffet lunches and club sandwiches as well as the smallest (or not so small) stalls to eat good hokkien mee and sweet and sour prawns..

oh.. and being the youngest, whenever there is leftover it is passed on to yours truly..

gotta find time to exercise really really soon...

go spa

mom's friend 'belanja-ed' us a spa treat in puchong.. quite nice.. not stuffy like saunas.. hahaha.. not all that expensive also.. if i am not mistaken it is only about rm16-20 per entry of i don't know how long though.. lol... apparently she wanted to open that franchise of spas but the other person went to open one in her 'territory'.. business people mark territory.. scary... =.=

get stuck in 2 hour jam
2 hours in a jam is nothing most of the time when you live/work in the city.. but this time the jam was bad... first of all the trip only takes bout 15-25minutes on a regular day basis.. and all along the way there were at least 5 cars that broken down.. 3 or was it 4 cars broke down less than 20meters apart.. =.= the worse part was when i thought we were getting close to the normally-relatively heavy-but-moving traffic area.. the cops were there.. with their car parked right across the lane.. haiz.. stupid cops.. the road was totally empty behind them... sobz...

what else what else...................

have a day trip to penang
i only went to the penang on mainland.. didn't get to the island to eat yummy yummy food.. even so i was still stuffed by the time i got home... had super big prawns.. all yummy yummy non-the-less.. and i am not a big fan of prawns...

ice skate
woohoo!! at last i went ice-skating after church with timmy~ was fun but super tiring on my legs.. + the first pair of skates didn't fit that well.. making my toes all numb.. boo the person who gave me a size too small.. O! there were many 'pro'-skaters there showing off lo.. mean mean people that scare me like crazy when they whoosh past me from out of nowhere... then there are those people that sit on the ice more than they skate.. those people also very scary... all of a sudden you'll see one of them sitting rite in the middle of your path.. and being a noob in skating i obviosly dunno how to avoid them and end up sitting on the ice next to them the many times that i wasn't clinging on to timmy..... =.= haiz.. gotta get my cousins to teach me how to skate-steer-and stop... XD

---------------------------------

life at this work place not all that boring la.. considering everything that i could do in my last job (which is about nothing - literally)....

now all i gotta do is to plan things to happen after office hours and saturdays!

any suggestions?

:D

i never thought that i can say this...


but


thinking negatively has a positive side!

don't believe me?
Click!!


:P
now i can tell my mom that i should maintain how i think instead of switching it to the other extreme..