only slept a mere 3.5 hours last nite.. woke up even before the alarm rang.. a miracle.......
though i am not feeling it yet i wonder how i'm going to survive today?
i wish i could just tell my boss i need a day off.. just to have a day to myself to be alone and sort things out... haiz...

at the moment my life is as volatile as the stock market.. it's steadily climbing up when i am slowly sliding down...
can't wait for january to come to be immersed in studies... need distractions to pull me away from where i am now...

analyze the photos below and let me know what you see...

her hand is obviously on his elbow.. at first it's a full on denial but later it's 'ya... her hand is on my elbow... but its only for the photo shoot'... is that reason acceptable at all?? just because it is a photo shoot it's ok for you to let a girl cling on to you? if other people don;t do it why must you? and right after our argument about this kinda thing... haiz... if the shoe is on the other foot, will you say the same things??

am i over thinking things?

Husbands, do you remember the last time you hugged your wife and told them you loved them?

And how is it that you can't remember that but you can go around hugging other people's wives

That's what the priest said during mass today.. It's so coincidental considering that a similar thought is swimming around in my head.. Everything that took place during mass today seemed so...wierd.. Its like everything that happened, be it the choice of hymns or the homily, all seemed to be answers to what's been in my mind.. I really wanted to cry but I couldn't.. Imagine how hard it was for me to hold back my tears and smile at my parents all through mass...

I want things to go back to how it was.. But is it even possible?

6 nov 2009

birthdays are never my favourite.. especially if it's my birthday..

since as long as i can remember, i never had a happy birthday.. it's either a major exam is on my birthday or my parents/family is to busy.. so i pretty much gotten used to not celebrating.. last year was slightly different.. it was more cheery than the usual; but come to think of it, i wasn't all that happy.. i was crying my heart out just days before my birthday and the whole time that we were out we were busy avoiding people than spending time together..

this year is definitely nowhere better.. imagine fighting with your boyfriend on your birthday.. fun rite? and no one but us knows about it.. my bro actually thought that i was having fun that night when i got home...

the worse part is that my friends that were there for me aren't there anymore.. the only people that spent time with me and seen me cry aren't within reach anymore... haiz... i gotta re-build those bridges.. i miss them so much.. :(

i need a break...

wth is your problem??

so what if i cant play properly??

how the hell would i know that i'd be forced to play by memory????

i never memorized the piece before and just now was the first time i picked up my violin for the day??

i lack expierience that all of you had..

cant i just have a break??

so what if i tend to go off tune??

i dont even know what notes i'm supposed to play!

so what if other people can play all the notes better than i can??

go fucking take the book away from her then see whether she can play everything correct!!!

heck! even i can play perfectly in tune if i can read the stupid score!!

my brain is not a photocopy machine..

i have shit memory and shit hearing.. 

live with it!!

hate life rite now...

why can't i just skip this phase of life??

i still cant believe that i chose music over other interest in my life...

other interest that seems more and more interesting as life goes on..

things that i can relate to more...

regrets sink in deeper and deeper everyday....

if only i could turn back time...

It's all happening again..

i am feeling so numb right now..
i cant feel anything at all...
can someone please help me??

i really don't want to be alone...

why can't you be there for me like you said you would be??

please don't be like him..
i can't take another hit like that...

one word can cut me deeper than the sharpest razor..
he did it once again..

random thoughts

the weekend away was ok

tear-free but not care-free

everywhere I went I saw us together

where we sat, ate, laughed

but it will never happen ever again

not anymore

not with you

even when playing in the orchestra

you crept in my mind

i was supposed to be concentrating

but you were still in my mind

how??

why??

i asked were you happy on your trip to PD

you say you were happy

only because you were on a holiday

but why can’t I do it??

why are you still on my mind??

i can’t seem to block you from my mind..

but you manage to do it..

i was not in your thoughts at all

you said you were thinking things

thinking how to mend things

but you were so happy it seems so impossible

impossible that you were trying

over the weekend I tried to be like you

but I couldn’t for so long

but at last I knew how you did it

you deleted me from your life even before the trip

you never thought of fixing things at all

if you were thinking bout it

it would have shown in your photographs

your eyes would have shown it

but they didn’t

that’s how I know

that’s how you did it

but I can’t do it

you made yourself a part of me

and yanked yourself out so suddenly

pieces of you are still with me

why am I not like you?

WHY??

little things that doesnt matter anymore

he told my parents

even when i asked him to not tell

i wanted to tell them myself

to break the news to them myself

but alas

another promise broken

upset as i am, i am glad he did

my mom told me so many things

opened my eyes to so much

only now did i realize that i did so much in the relationship

i know i wanted to back then

i wanted to fix things

ignore the differences

work things out

close the gap

but now i feel so dumb doing it

i did so much

changed so much

but did he do the same??

i will never know..

he keeps saying that when he was frustrated with problems between us

he had to confide in other girls

but i dont

i respected him

i didn't confide my worries in other guys

why couldnt he do the same for me??

why didn't he have the same respect i have for him??

maybe he finds comfort in them and not me..

lucky them!

i still care for him no matter what he did to me

i hope he can move on with life

not just move on

but to succeed as well

my best wishes to him

finding comfort slowly

Broken - Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hanging on another day just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

my body has reached a new low
after 21 years today is the first time i had a nose bleed

i need a hug
where can i borrow one?

my tears have left me

i thought crying was the worse feeling there is to whats happening now
but there is something worse

-NOT being able to cry-

my body has reached a point that i thought was scientifically impossible
although my heart hurts, i can't express it anymore
my eyes seems to have lost the ability to shed tears

maybe it's a sign
a sign to give in to it all
to accept the fact that nothing ever be the same anymore



a friend told me

'there is always a way to solve your differences.
if the both of you love each other,
other people and other issues around your relationship shouldn't matter
because at the end of the day,
it's about you and him,
not you guys and anyone or anything else.'

that was what i thought in my mind
i was willing to change
but he said it is not enough
even if i changed

'things will be the same the problem will still exist'
why so??

he keeps saying he feels really bad about doing this to me
that it hurts him as much as it does me
but honestly,
i can't see it in him
i can't see the regret, no pain.
he has already rid his car of all my belongings


so swift, so quick


he has turned into someone i do not recognize anymore.

his gaze at me is so cold

his touch no longer holds the warmth it had

and the way he speaks to me

no longer with love

cold and harsh

every sentence like acid dripping on my heart


maybe i made him mad the few days
but truth be told
i think this is how he really feels about me

i only wonder how he can still say he loves me
i want so bad to believe it
but i no longer can

sleepless

it's almost 4a.m. but i still can't fall asleep..

normally i would have slept and woken up by now..
woken up my dreams i had - happy but sad dreams..
all i can do everytime i wake up is to cry myself back to sleep..
but it hurts so much everytime i don't wanna do it..

the things he said to me today hurts so much more..
everytime i close my eyes i hear the things he said to me..


'i still love you'

'she is my close friend'


'can you stop assuming things!!!'

(maybe this is why i can't sleep)
another flow of tears trickle from my eyes..
but only i know it..

i wonder,
if any other girl were to hear all these words in that exact sequence what would she do??
wouldn't she break down??
apparently my breaking down is not appropriate to him..
i'm always 'assuming things'..
i have the right to do so!!
i just got dumped by a guy who says he loves me but can't be with me or share his problems with me...
many-a-time he said he talked to other girls because
'you (ME) are the problem'
and then takes it back and rephrases it to
'the problem is with US'..
if he had done it just once or twice i can cope with it...
but multiple times, all not even 15minutes apart??

maybe i am over-reacting..
maybe i am 'assuming' things..
but how can i not??
my life is a mess now...
someone please help me...

Broken To a Million Pieces

first he said he wanted a break..
then he wanted to talk..
think things over he said..

after 3 days, he comes to see me..
he says he loves me and gives me a hug..
and even a kiss on my forehead..
i felt so loved for that split second..

but alas..

not even 20 minutes later..
he doesn't want to be with me..
how could he say that??
i thought he wanted to work things out??
maybe he was playing with my heart all along...

another girl in the picture doesn't help..
a friend she is..
wait!

NO..


'she is my close friend..
she has been so for the past few months...'


as soon as he said this, my heart sunk..

wasn't a few months ago the first time he wanted to break up with me??

maybe he wanted to leave me all along..
i should have let go that time..
maybe my heart won't hurt as bad..
how?? how??
how could i be so dumb..
i believed him when he said i love you..
even after he left me...

maybe i should give up..
give up on everything..

nothing lasts they say...

now i realise how true the saying is..
why didn't i listen??