Just as I get over one matter another creeps up from nowhere and slaps me in the face.. as I was making my way back to how things were life decided to do a 180 on me..

Over the past month I realised that I have been sad and depressed one moment and then bounce back to seemingly happy the next moment so much that my body is used to it.. my eyes are never swollen from crying anymore.. I can work for a full day + more on just 2.5hours… and the worse part is that I can go for a whole day on just a sip of water and barely half a bowl of noodles… and yet no one knows what I’m going thru....

Stress is the worse thing that can happen to me.. it causes me to dip into depression.. and when that happens all the essential things in life become non-essential anymore.. eating is meaningless as my body automatically gets rid of it in less than 2hours of eating it.. sleep is never a choice.. it’s either I cant fall asleep or there’ll be nightmares all nite long.. driving is dangerous because half the time I wont be concentrating.. work sucks.. cz I’m not doing much and that gives me more time to be depressed..

When will my life sort itself back to normal?

If u start at 16... Even if u hav excellent musicality.. U cn neva be professional... coz no muscle build up...

i know that i am never going to be professional.. or nearly as good as you.. but you need not tell me that.. i already know that fact.. that's why i try harder than you.. that's why i can't get stuff down as fast as you do..

what else can i do? turn back time and force myself to pick up the violin sooner?

recieved this at 6.28pm

"O.o.. Dunno... Me wan rest abit k? Muahx..."

called back at 6.29pm

"hello.. the number you called is unavailable.. please try again later..."

current state of mind: confused, sad, lost

I love you more today than I loved you yesterday

I do feel this way.. despite all the quarelling and crying I still feel this way.. but do you?

Small things that you do, or don't do hurts me so much.. but when I tell you it seems like i'm in the wrong for saying it.. I don't know.. maybe it's only me that is being overly sensitive and whatever that has been going on is totally acceptable by everyone else on this planet..

parent's have been saying that I am too thin and want me to go see a doctor about it.. it's not like I have an eating disorder.. I really don't.. I still eat healthy portions plus more! Haiz..

honestly I don't know how I got this way..
life please go back to the way things were..
:(

The boyfriend every girl wants...

When you break her heart - [ the pain NEVER really goes away ]
When she misses you - [ she's hurting inside ]
When she says its over - [ she STILL wants you to be hers ]
When she re-posts this bulletin - [ she wants you to read it ]
When she walks away from you mad - [ Follow her]
When she stare's at your mouth - [ Kiss her ]
When she pushes you or hit's you - [ Grab her and don’t let go ]
When she starts cursing at you - [ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]
When she ignores you - [ Give her your attention]
When she pulls away - [ Pull her back ]
When you see her at her worst - [ Tell her she's beautiful ]
When you see her start crying - [Just hold her and don’t say a word ]
When you see her walking - [ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ]
When she's scared - [ Protect her ]
When she lays her head on your shoulder - [ Tilt her head up and kiss her ]
When she steals your favorite hat - [ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]
When she teases you - [ Tease her back and make her laugh ]
When she doesn’t answer for a long time - [ reassure her that everything is okay ]
When she looks at you with doubt - [ Back yourself up with the TRUTH]
When she says that she likes you - [ she really does more than you could understand ]
When she grabs at your hands - [ Hold hers and play with her fingers ]
When she bumps into you - [ bump into her back and make her laugh ]
When she tells you a secret - [ keep it safe and untold ]
When she looks at you in your eyes - [ don’t look away until she does ]


- Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything
- DON'T let her have the last word
- DON'T call her hot, but gorgeous or beautiful is soo much better
- Say you love her more than she could ever love you
- Argue that she is the best girl ever
- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go
- When she says she's OK don’t believe it, talk with her
- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you
- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
- Call her before you sleep and after you wake up
- Treat her like she's all that matters to you
- Tease her and let her tease you back
- Stay up all night with her when she's sick
- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid
- Give her the world
- Let her wear your clothes
- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her
- Let her know she's important
- Kiss her in the pouring rain
- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;
"Who's ass am I kicking today baby?"

but not a boyfriend that everyone can have...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

all those things are so sweet but yet any guy that can do all that is pretty much extinct.. or maybe never existed?

when you cry, no guy will hold you tight and tell you it's ok.. guys nowadays would instead tell you that you're thinking too much and its not true at all..

when you don't answer for a long time, he leaves you to think whatever you want, without explanation at all.. and then blames you for whatever your mind conjured up during that 'long time'.

haiz..

life cannot be perfect but it hurts so bad that you wish you could just walk away from life as is...

if you looked into my mind...

all you'd see is a cloud of darkness..

a vicious storm that destroys things in it's way...

when you have nothing to do in the office you read The Star Online...

and randomly clicking i happen to stuble upon an article ablout stress...

Dont Stress It

its all kinda true..

i only know cz i have been overly stressed the past week and my body ain't coping well...

=/

if i had to choose between sleep and you, i'd pick you...

i missed you so much.. after not spending quality time with you and finally not arguing/smoothing things out over the phone, sleep is not a matter to worry about... but the fact that we still have unresolved issues kills me.. i rather sleep 2hours less and sort out the things with you once and for all so that we can get it out of the way.. haiz...

*depressed*

only slept a mere 3.5 hours last nite.. woke up even before the alarm rang.. a miracle.......
though i am not feeling it yet i wonder how i'm going to survive today?
i wish i could just tell my boss i need a day off.. just to have a day to myself to be alone and sort things out... haiz...

at the moment my life is as volatile as the stock market.. it's steadily climbing up when i am slowly sliding down...
can't wait for january to come to be immersed in studies... need distractions to pull me away from where i am now...

who would have thought after 2 days of bumming i'd wake up with a massive migraine?

imagine waking up at 6.30am for once but can;t get out of bed because your head feels like it's being hit by a metal bar each time you attempt to move...

haiz.. maybe i'm not cut out for the super relaxed life..

or maybe the stress from days before all got suppressed and decided to blow up on me?

meh.. despite my head pounding away i still went to work..

wahhhh.. since when she so good a??

but if i don't go to work i can't do much... only more sleeping and tv.. +i'd be alone at home.. so going to work was the better choice.. considering that i'l be with my mom and there's nothing much to do at work nowadays..

as expected it was totally quiet at the office.. not many phone calls from clients despite the KLCI moving 6 points...

pssstt... according to some analyst the KLCI can move about 100+ points more... O.o

the only thing was the assistant acting like a total ass and running out of the office doing non essential stuff a million times... but the worse part was that my phone was almost totally quiet.. so much for i'l try my best..

Husbands, do you remember the last time you hugged your wife and told them you loved them?

And how is it that you can't remember that but you can go around hugging other people's wives

That's what the priest said during mass today.. It's so coincidental considering that a similar thought is swimming around in my head.. Everything that took place during mass today seemed so...wierd.. Its like everything that happened, be it the choice of hymns or the homily, all seemed to be answers to what's been in my mind.. I really wanted to cry but I couldn't.. Imagine how hard it was for me to hold back my tears and smile at my parents all through mass...

I want things to go back to how it was.. But is it even possible?

6 nov 2009

birthdays are never my favourite.. especially if it's my birthday..

since as long as i can remember, i never had a happy birthday.. it's either a major exam is on my birthday or my parents/family is to busy.. so i pretty much gotten used to not celebrating.. last year was slightly different.. it was more cheery than the usual; but come to think of it, i wasn't all that happy.. i was crying my heart out just days before my birthday and the whole time that we were out we were busy avoiding people than spending time together..

this year is definitely nowhere better.. imagine fighting with your boyfriend on your birthday.. fun rite? and no one but us knows about it.. my bro actually thought that i was having fun that night when i got home...

the worse part is that my friends that were there for me aren't there anymore.. the only people that spent time with me and seen me cry aren't within reach anymore... haiz... i gotta re-build those bridges.. i miss them so much.. :(

solitude ain't so bad...

...all you gotta do is sleep

another lonely lonely day at work... and also the first time i had to lunch alone since i started working here.. since i am super lazy to drive to klcc or what not to eat all alone i just walked across the road for some pasta.. brought the laptop along only to find out i can't get it to work.... =.=.. how sad can my laptop be?

the day passed by relatively fast.. maybe it was cz i was busy clearing out my email inbox from 2004.. so many forwarded messages.. from old frens to old flames.. tsk tsk.. packrat alert!!!!

went thru the pages one at a time.. found a whole lot of funny emails and also some personal ones.. but i had absolutely no emotions towards those emails... it seems time does heal all wounds.. some emails i read today meant the world to me back then.. but looking at them once again i realised how empty words really are.. all that was said in those emails which carried so much meaning then seemed so funny... not funny in a haha kind of way.. but i just wondered... if you really meant all those things, how can they lose all their meaning in a few months/years? haiz..

oh... back to the boring day.. the only reason why today didn't seemed so bad is because i slept right after i came home from work.. after a slow sleepy drive back from work i thought maybe my parents who just came back from the hospital would be at home rite? but i actually came back to an empty house.. empty office room, quiet phone, empty car and empty house.. lonely lonely day.. but either ways i just kinda lied on my bed and dozed off... only to wake 5hours later.. O.O.. by the time i woke, dad was half asleep in front of the tv and mom was already in bed.. my timing so off le.. but i think they tried to wake me many times.. just i didn't wake.. work sucks all the energy from me... =.=

so now 2hours since i woke i'm already sleeeeeeepy again.. haha.. gotta head back to dreamland..

nitez!

when your days starts all stressed up at 6.30am it can't get any better..

after a whole day in the office pretty much talking to nothing..

you cant exactly consider talking to the assistant in the office as communication cz i don;t talk to him at all.. most of the time he talks n i jz nod...

bout an hour before 5pm i found out that my mom decided to do the biopsy and has to stay in the hospital for the night... not exactly a pleasent way to end a day...

bahh... even after receiving this news i still had to make my way to klpac for practise which i didn't really want to go.. stupid people decide to do the photo shooting thing today... haiz..

sadly in this stupid day the traffic decides to go all smooth on me and i reached klpac 2 hours before practise... and what do i get for being so overly punctual?

no company whatsoever..

so that brings the tally to 11hours without human contact..

calls to people don't help..

cz the one that i want to talk to is too busy with his stuff and theres pretty much no one i can turn to... how sad can my life be?

practise which usually ain't all that bad does no help either.. imagine a room filled with about 60-80 people but u cant talk to anyone there... everyone there is more of an acquaintance than a friend.. so i had to pretty much plaster a semi-smile on my face... +our usual conductor wasn't there.. we were left with the conductor that thinks he is sooooooo good but doesn't realise we all din't understand anything he is trying to convey in his conducting..

unfortunately the day doesn't end here...

we had to go to meet my mom at the hospital..

at 11pm... so i pretty much flew all the way home from orchestra and quickly showered and packed stuff for my parents who are spending the night in the hospital.. since i didn't know how to get there my bro drove.. and i tell you.. his driving drove me nuts! i literally felt like asking him to either drive carefully or ask him to bloody get out of the driver's seat..

once at the hotal the first comment i get from my mom were instructions on what to do next..

i didn;t understand a thing that she said.. i don't understand how she expects me to know anything? don't you have an assistant? tell him the details and ask him to pass the running job to me.. my mind is already too full to process anything... my mom might have just went for a biopsy but i am literally on the edge of a breakdown.. the stress of working in a place where you know nothing about and not having anyone there reliable to guide you is bad enough... adding more things for me to think about and remember helps nothing...

after getting back from the hospital all i get is hostility and the cold shoulder...

me stressing out over the whole stupidity of the day is of no significant importance that i'm supposed to supress everything inside my overly cramped brain.. all i can think of doing now is to curl up under the sheets and cry myself to sleep... cz thats the easiest way to make myself sleep... it helps release the pressure in my head and i really need the sleep.. gotta wake in bout 6 hours to get ready for work...

goodnite world...

if you are meant to have something, no matter how hard other's pull and tug it will always be yours.. vice versa, when something is not yours no matter how hard you hold on to it, it will still slip through your hands..

i have decided to loosen my grip on things from now on..

no more holding on with both hands gripping tightly on it..

if anything i'l just let things fold out whatever way it is meant to be..

no point trying too hard when things aren't meant to be right?

no matter how much you say you miss me i find it seriously hard to believe it..

out of the many times you say you miss me, you never call..

not even once all because you don't like it...

how can anyone believe that you miss them when you are not willing to call?

i am not asking for a full on 1 hour call..

just a short call, even for 5 minutes i'd be happy...

i tried to call many times..

but you are never there..

excuses range from i was sleeping to i was in class are still acceptable..

and i am sorry if i interrupted you..

but when you say i didn't realise you called or even i am busy with last minute practises and don't want to talk now, my heart just drops..

i never had and still do not have any words whenever you throw those excuses in my face..

my brain draws a blank whenever i attempt to think about it..

crying is never an option because everyone thinks that everything is picture perfect with us...

everybody has a breaking point..

i wonder how far i am from mine...

priorities..

i have gotta set my priorities right..

no more cancelling on health appointments for pleasure appointments..

haiz...

gotta make up my priorities hierarchy!!!

brb!!

after 20minutes i realizes one thing....

i don't know how to draw using comp.. =.=

do simple simple one here la...

Health; Family; Tim

↓

Work; Music Education; Friends

↓

Concerts; KLPac; Acquaintances; Colleagues

↓

???

(si beh simple!! haha)

what else is there a?

eh.... dunno la.. add on next time..

oh.. if any of you see me messing up my priorities i give you the right to slap me on the head..

though not too hard la!!

:P

'i miss talking to you face to face...

not so much on the phone...'

what do you make out of this statement?

i am tired... very tired..

been in a rather foul mood recently...

don;t exactly know why but i think i have an idea..

haiz...

smmore had to start the day super early...

i was supposed to get up at 7am this morning to go down times square and book the holiday thing but totally overslept and woke only at 8am... =.=

reached times square at 9am and i tell you the queue was horrible..

wait.. its malaysia... there wasn't a queue.. just a whole mass of people waiting there to make holiday reservations..

had to take number... mine was 112.... the current number was 30... =.=

how sad...

the whole 2 hours of waiting (not bad at all.. they processed about 40 people an hour! was expecting much worse..) all i could hear was people complaining bout how they can't get their holiday destinations and how bad berjaya holidays has become.. some of them were scolding vincent tan and family for the changes in the holiday destinations that was available.. some were even cursing and saying they shouldn't have joined berjaya vacation club as they didn't get anything out of it.. hello hello? sell your membership la...

tsk tsk.. this people only wanna travel during peek season and they only wanna pick the hotspots.. but yet they come to make reservations at 9.30am..

if they were serious they'd be there waiting like the crazy people that came at 6am..

after making my reservations which was done in less than 5minutes.. (no none wanted what i asked for.. =.=.. everyone was trying to get christmas season at langkawi... -.-''''') i went to pavilion.. wanted to get tank top and shorts but didn't... must stock up on work clothes.. not casual wear.. meh.. went to parkson and poped by the laniege sale.. didn't see much there but i think maybe their sets were quite cheap? i didn't see for myself.. but everyone was crowding around that corner.. generally the make up was cheap.. the lip and eye colours fr rm15, highlighter-blush and lip palettes for rm20.. even with those cheap prices i saw a few people that bought rm900++ worth of items.. does anyone really need that many beauty products??

headed back to BTS cz there wasn't much else to do...

haiz.. shopping malls ain't no fun when you don't have a buddy for company.. and also when you don;t have much to spend...

i didn't realize it was 2pm though...

i've been there for 5 hours...

i have had 5 hours of exercise a.k.a random walking..

so much more then i usually do..

haahahaah..

but i'm all sore now..

don;t know why though...

bad mood + body aches...

only cure is to go sleep~

nitez...

Sept 2009

gosh...

it's been a month since i last updated..

tsk tsk..

and so many things happened in the past month....

let me try to elaborate......

(not in sequence tho.. my memory not that gud.. :S)

i quit my job as a shop assistant

i found out that the person who was trying to be the good guy is actually the bad guy to start with..

haiz... people have to realise that when they do stupid things others will eventually pick up on it..

no way was i going to stay there after everything that happened..

only a fool wouldn't leave regardless on how much i could get if i stayed on..

i apparently played the violin better

despite not practicing as much.. or rather so little.. =/.. my teacher actually said my playing improved..

though not much compared to timmy..

haiz.. why you can play so well one??

*jealous*

i helped decorate a PINK party..........for a guy

hahahha.. sound so....not right..

but it was fun.. i finally went to midvalley/gardens after sooo long...

went to the biggest craft shop i have seen in KL...

itchy hands.... :P

and also i got to make tissue paper pom-poms and flowers~

my crafting side still hasn't left me fully :P

oh.. and i totally fail at making alcoholic beverages...

shows how much of a noob i am when it comes to alcohol..

haiz..

tho a 17 year old said my mojito was a 'definite failure' i think i like mojitos..

mint leaves + soda water + rum + sugar = yum yum

hahhahha... i love mint~

must try a proper mojito soon...

i am left all alone in the next KLPAC orchestra

the next orchestra concert (17-19th Dec?) i will be alll alone..

XT, WH and timmy all not playing...

how how how?

i'l be sooo bored + scared...

now i got no one to lead me... haiz...

gotta prac more.. or at least listen to the recording more.. =/

i haven't spontaneously bought anything for myself

so it might not be a bad thing..

but i've been working near a shopping center for 3 months but i have yet to buy anything for myself..

anything doesn't include food and drinks laa...

(tho i probably have spent tooo much on food)

but since i started working i haven't bought anything on impulse..

very very so not me.. hahhaa...

gotta plan a trip to some mall to get stuff..

=.=

i quit as a music teacher

i know.. people has told me what a waste...

but i can't teach there la..

bloody idiot act as if i'm not there even though i was standing in the middle of everything..

i really really don't want to but i rather not take the pay and be free that place...

i am gonna miss my students so so much...

my super hyperactive cute little students to the student that has finally showed me some interest..

i'm really sorry to have left.. but i believe you guys and do well..

T.T

i'm gonna start work soon

so soon right??

but no choice la.. i need the $$$$...

haiz.. i miss being a student with no worries...

my next job should be even more demanding than the last..

but hopefully i can cope...

i should be ok gua..

wish me luck!!! hahahaha...

seriously...

meh.. i don't remember what else happened.. anyone remembers anything let me know..

=P