If u start at 16... Even if u hav excellent musicality.. U cn neva be professional... coz no muscle build up...

i know that i am never going to be professional.. or nearly as good as you.. but you need not tell me that.. i already know that fact.. that's why i try harder than you.. that's why i can't get stuff down as fast as you do..

what else can i do? turn back time and force myself to pick up the violin sooner?

Random-ness at KLPac

orchestra was nowhere near better than it was before thanks to the i-conducted-15-concerts-before conductor.. please please be more certain of your beat and beat the correct way.. i can;t exactly re-enter when i get lost looking at your hands... the new gal was not much better also.. writing the most awkward bowing on the scores causing my hand-eye coordination to be even worse than normal.. adik ooi... you are playing in an orchestra.. you cant just simply write your own bowing and play 70% of the down beast with up-bow... you are not the soloist now.... meh...

kids who think they are all that....

luckily there were other things that made up for the loveliness of the rehearsal...

the first thing was that i met an interesting individual before orchestra practice... since i left relatively early and didnt have to send mom back home i reached KLPac super early... and while i was waiting at the lounge he just came up and talked to me... no.. i wasnt the most attractive person there... we were the only 2 people there who turned up 1-1.5hours before practice.. :P.. after bout 2 seconds he told me that he was a tenor in the Messiah concert and that the choir sucked! so so honest.. *salute!* though the orchestra is not really prepared at all i'm not all that mean to say that we are terrible... must jaga muka abit maa... he (i couldn't and still can't remember his name.. i am seriously bad with names...) is 100% random.. all the things he said came out of nowhere! from the fact that he was 'grape-ing' (mengANGGUR) between jobs to the most efficient way to wake a guy up-by pulling off his pants.. wth.. how to do that?? si beh pai se want you know.... probably bout 20minutes of talking/waiting people from the choir and orchestra started to come... and finally someone came to open the studio doors for us... he went in before me cz i was talking to one of th eother players.. and when i turned in to the studio he was there holding the door for me! so sweet and so unexpected... but after i walked in he said 'wahh.. how long does it take you to walk in the door a?'... *smash*

other than that was the fun players in the second violin and viola section.. though we weren't all that good compared to the first violin we always had fun.. from worrying - in a haha kinda way - bout not being able to play the notes to laughing at ourselves bout the notes we cant play.. its funny.. cz we never had that in our section before.. the second violins were always stressed out for the haywire bowing and the awkward fingering.. but this time it was different.. and then there was also the many times where we give the know-it-all conductor the evil eye for not giving us muddy conducting and instructions.. it just seems like with certain people not here the tension isn't there.. =/.. wonder how long this can keep up??

but despite it all the feelings and issues from the nite before was still with me.. haiz.. how how how? my mind still not over it.. how to get over issues like this?? its all so familiar.. can the outcome be different? or will it be the same?

when your days starts all stressed up at 6.30am it can't get any better..

after a whole day in the office pretty much talking to nothing..

you cant exactly consider talking to the assistant in the office as communication cz i don;t talk to him at all.. most of the time he talks n i jz nod...

bout an hour before 5pm i found out that my mom decided to do the biopsy and has to stay in the hospital for the night... not exactly a pleasent way to end a day...

bahh... even after receiving this news i still had to make my way to klpac for practise which i didn't really want to go.. stupid people decide to do the photo shooting thing today... haiz..

sadly in this stupid day the traffic decides to go all smooth on me and i reached klpac 2 hours before practise... and what do i get for being so overly punctual?

no company whatsoever..

so that brings the tally to 11hours without human contact..

calls to people don't help..

cz the one that i want to talk to is too busy with his stuff and theres pretty much no one i can turn to... how sad can my life be?

practise which usually ain't all that bad does no help either.. imagine a room filled with about 60-80 people but u cant talk to anyone there... everyone there is more of an acquaintance than a friend.. so i had to pretty much plaster a semi-smile on my face... +our usual conductor wasn't there.. we were left with the conductor that thinks he is sooooooo good but doesn't realise we all din't understand anything he is trying to convey in his conducting..

unfortunately the day doesn't end here...

we had to go to meet my mom at the hospital..

at 11pm... so i pretty much flew all the way home from orchestra and quickly showered and packed stuff for my parents who are spending the night in the hospital.. since i didn't know how to get there my bro drove.. and i tell you.. his driving drove me nuts! i literally felt like asking him to either drive carefully or ask him to bloody get out of the driver's seat..

once at the hotal the first comment i get from my mom were instructions on what to do next..

i didn;t understand a thing that she said.. i don't understand how she expects me to know anything? don't you have an assistant? tell him the details and ask him to pass the running job to me.. my mind is already too full to process anything... my mom might have just went for a biopsy but i am literally on the edge of a breakdown.. the stress of working in a place where you know nothing about and not having anyone there reliable to guide you is bad enough... adding more things for me to think about and remember helps nothing...

after getting back from the hospital all i get is hostility and the cold shoulder...

me stressing out over the whole stupidity of the day is of no significant importance that i'm supposed to supress everything inside my overly cramped brain.. all i can think of doing now is to curl up under the sheets and cry myself to sleep... cz thats the easiest way to make myself sleep... it helps release the pressure in my head and i really need the sleep.. gotta wake in bout 6 hours to get ready for work...

goodnite world...

contingency plans!!

wahhh... sounds so serious...

but i currently only need contingency plans to save my boring weekends...

just this week i have had 3 cases of my weekend plans not going haywire i end up doing pretty much nothing.. haiz..

what could i do??

hmmm......

practice? - top choice! but sometimes i got no mood.. how how??

sleep? - out of the picture cz i think its counter productive most of the time.. unless of course i am super exhausted and on the brink of falling ill...

hang out w timmy? - not always possible cz timmy gotta teach on weekends... T.T

crafting - can! but need to dig out all the supplies and then stuff them back again.. a bit mafan hor..

reading? - but no good books to read.. and marketing/stock market books don't seem to interesting to me...

shopping!! - shopping is super not productive.. + i don;t like to go shopping alone.. T.T

cooking/baking? - oven gone crazy + most of the time there is food already on the table..

what else what else?

priorities..

i have gotta set my priorities right..

no more cancelling on health appointments for pleasure appointments..

haiz...

gotta make up my priorities hierarchy!!!

brb!!

after 20minutes i realizes one thing....

i don't know how to draw using comp.. =.=

do simple simple one here la...

Health; Family; Tim

↓

Work; Music Education; Friends

↓

Concerts; KLPac; Acquaintances; Colleagues

↓

???

(si beh simple!! haha)

what else is there a?

eh.... dunno la.. add on next time..

oh.. if any of you see me messing up my priorities i give you the right to slap me on the head..

though not too hard la!!

:P

i wonder...

...if i eat more of these chocolates would i be a musical genius like Mozart?

Sept 2009

gosh...

it's been a month since i last updated..

tsk tsk..

and so many things happened in the past month....

let me try to elaborate......

(not in sequence tho.. my memory not that gud.. :S)

i quit my job as a shop assistant

i found out that the person who was trying to be the good guy is actually the bad guy to start with..

haiz... people have to realise that when they do stupid things others will eventually pick up on it..

no way was i going to stay there after everything that happened..

only a fool wouldn't leave regardless on how much i could get if i stayed on..

i apparently played the violin better

despite not practicing as much.. or rather so little.. =/.. my teacher actually said my playing improved..

though not much compared to timmy..

haiz.. why you can play so well one??

*jealous*

i helped decorate a PINK party..........for a guy

hahahha.. sound so....not right..

but it was fun.. i finally went to midvalley/gardens after sooo long...

went to the biggest craft shop i have seen in KL...

itchy hands.... :P

and also i got to make tissue paper pom-poms and flowers~

my crafting side still hasn't left me fully :P

oh.. and i totally fail at making alcoholic beverages...

shows how much of a noob i am when it comes to alcohol..

haiz..

tho a 17 year old said my mojito was a 'definite failure' i think i like mojitos..

mint leaves + soda water + rum + sugar = yum yum

hahhahha... i love mint~

must try a proper mojito soon...

i am left all alone in the next KLPAC orchestra

the next orchestra concert (17-19th Dec?) i will be alll alone..

XT, WH and timmy all not playing...

how how how?

i'l be sooo bored + scared...

now i got no one to lead me... haiz...

gotta prac more.. or at least listen to the recording more.. =/

i haven't spontaneously bought anything for myself

so it might not be a bad thing..

but i've been working near a shopping center for 3 months but i have yet to buy anything for myself..

anything doesn't include food and drinks laa...

(tho i probably have spent tooo much on food)

but since i started working i haven't bought anything on impulse..

very very so not me.. hahhaa...

gotta plan a trip to some mall to get stuff..

=.=

i quit as a music teacher

i know.. people has told me what a waste...

but i can't teach there la..

bloody idiot act as if i'm not there even though i was standing in the middle of everything..

i really really don't want to but i rather not take the pay and be free that place...

i am gonna miss my students so so much...

my super hyperactive cute little students to the student that has finally showed me some interest..

i'm really sorry to have left.. but i believe you guys and do well..

T.T

i'm gonna start work soon

so soon right??

but no choice la.. i need the $$$$...

haiz.. i miss being a student with no worries...

my next job should be even more demanding than the last..

but hopefully i can cope...

i should be ok gua..

wish me luck!!! hahahaha...

seriously...

meh.. i don't remember what else happened.. anyone remembers anything let me know..

=P

Diploma.. AT? LT? Yes? No?

What do i play for my next violin diploma exam..

most probably i wont re-do the last level..

which means i'l have to work even harder..

with work and all..

i;m scared i can't make it again...

haiz..

gotta decide on pieces now to start the long long long practices...

what should i play?

Bartok?

(TK i need my scores back!!!)

Beethoven?

Haydn?

(i've never seen or heard this piece though =/)

Sarasate?

(Crazy running notes?? maybe not this piece.. or should i try something new?)

or maybe Bruch?

haiz...

if i decide to do this again and don't succeed i really dont think i will go for it again..

its too expensive to do it again...

help...

lalalllalala~

there were 6 new students in the past month and guess how many students i got???

NONE

the *obvious* reason why i never got any new students is because 'tauke neo' wants me to stay in the admin part of the business to do all the calls n deal with the clients she doesn't want to talk to...

haiz..

but now i'm gonna get new students~

i talked to my boss about my student-less situation and he has set a list of students to be assigned to me as soon as possible..

thats 4-6 students!!

happy happy~~

but all my 'happiness' still depends on the 'tauke neo'...

she has to 'liase' with me..

lets see how long its gonna take for her to come talk to me... =/

i don't think this matter would be on the top of her to-do list....

but i will try my best to (in the most polite/discreet/not annoying way) talk to her about passing the students over to me~

anyone know how?? can teach me how to be subtle yet get the message through??

:D

hmmm...

n i think most probably.. bout 99.999% chance that i would have to call the students myself to tell them that they are no longer learning with my boss...

but isn't that a bit odd??

your new teacher calling you to tell you that you are now under me not him?? O.O

lol.. dun care la..

as long as i get my students i don't care if i gotta make senseless calls...

but i'm sure of one thing..

tauke neo will try to work me to the bone knowing that my working hours are shorter with the teaching coming along...

no boss = fun~

today there was no sign of my boss(es) in the workplace~

no boss = no students

how nice..

first i get to be less hardworking...

(not that i'm a lazy employee to begin with :P)

and then i get to practise the violin...

which i seldom do nowadays..

i was using a nice nice violin..

fun fun~

timmy next time you come ask me for it k? :P

unfortunately this wont last long... T.T

haiz...

i dun wanna play anymore....

recently i have been busy with work and havent got a chance to really practise the violin...
and the result of that is that my playing has gone downhill...
all the way down till i cant even play a D minor scale properly...
and i have to perform soon..
how how how??

i think most probably i'l take this concert as my last for the time being..
i rather not play than play badly..
it's not like they need me..

now i just gotta find a way to tell the conductor i dont wanna play without him killing me...
=/

Why!!!!

i went to that and missed this....

how could i... what was i thinking........ T.T

ok fine.... not exactly this but....... T.T

how blur can i be...........

i actually scheduled two events to be at this 27th...

and i didnt realise it till today...

i have to choose either to go MPO w my timmy or go high school reunion..

i wouldnt have realised it if it wasnt for the message one of the people going posted on facebook...

how how how??

help....

T.T

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

problem solved!!!

timmy's gonna go to the concert with benny~

so sorry baby..

i really wanna go..

but...

>.<

sorry sorry sorry..

we go the next concert k??

for this concert baby enjoy w benny~

make sure benny stays awake ya..

remind benny on thursday and friday just in case he forgets oh!!!

thank benny for me ya...

:)

Can I?

i only have 5 hours to work today~

yay!!

but after work got klpac.. T.T

can i not join the next concert? >.<

i'm free~

at last uni is over!!

Yippee~~~~

no more classes with the oh-so-'helpful' teacher~

no more fake smiles to you~

no mroe being afraid of stupid exams

no more dealing with stupidly biased teachers~

no more having to listen to people backstabbing each other~

no more looking at people with a serious case of multi-personalities~

what else is there??

no more yucky food that causes food poisoning~

no more uncomfortable bed that only gives me 6hours of sleep a day~

no more climbing 3 flights of stairs to get back to my room~

no more practising till 10pm~ (not good tho.......)

hmmm..... 

the downside...

less contact with relatively close friends?

less...............................

less practise!!! >.<

eh... not all that many also..

staying home now~

can enjoy doing almost nothing for a month before i'm expected to earn money... 

help help....

anyone know where got appropriate job for me?? O.O

1000 a day...

no... 

i dont get RM1000 a day..

i gotta write at least 1000 words a day to complete my final project paper...

i only have 7 more days to write about 7000 words..

if all goes well i should be ok...

unless she goes n cut evrything out... T.T

i'm getting writers block..

as well as pre-recital stage fright 3 weeks before recital...

help me....

i need a break...

wth is your problem??

so what if i cant play properly??

how the hell would i know that i'd be forced to play by memory????

i never memorized the piece before and just now was the first time i picked up my violin for the day??

i lack expierience that all of you had..

cant i just have a break??

so what if i tend to go off tune??

i dont even know what notes i'm supposed to play!

so what if other people can play all the notes better than i can??

go fucking take the book away from her then see whether she can play everything correct!!!

heck! even i can play perfectly in tune if i can read the stupid score!!

my brain is not a photocopy machine..

i have shit memory and shit hearing.. 

live with it!!

hate life rite now...

why can't i just skip this phase of life??

i still cant believe that i chose music over other interest in my life...

other interest that seems more and more interesting as life goes on..

things that i can relate to more...

regrets sink in deeper and deeper everyday....

if only i could turn back time...

Numb...

It's not like i don't want it..

it's just plain fact that i am struggling to get there..

its not as easy for me as the rest of you..

i am already under immense stress...

even my body is slowly showing signs that i'm being streched too thin..

if it goes on i'm scared that history will repeat itself...

can't anybody understand where i am??

i wanna cry...

my proposal for my final project paper was passed but after i went to talk to my supervisor she rejected the topic...

(which she passed in the first place)

how how how??

have to come out with a whole new topic??

someone help me??

:(